Whoa

Whoa.

I'm leaving for France in one week, and one day. I'm not really sure this is real yet. I've been trying to not count down the days so that the time goes by faster. It seems to have worked, because NOW that I am actual'ly counting, I am worried about things to pack and how many tranquilizers to take on the plane.

I really wasn't this bad about planes before. I wasn't overly crazy about them, but I dealt with the whole process much better.

I have attributed my newer, more intense fear to a couple of things. (Comment all you want about these btw).

The first thing I think is that now, I am a parent. The thought of my child losing me, and inevitibly me missing out on what he becomes, scares the crud right out of me. He has saved my life in soooo many ways and knowing him has made a much better human being. So, that is reason 1.

Reason 2: 9/11. 'Nuff said.

and Reason 3: I've recently become more insightful of my own control issues. I feel like I need to control my life etc..which isn't a bad thing, except when you die, is really not in your own control (most of the time...)

So these three things are the things I've been working on. And they are why this trip (as important and freeing as travelling already is) is so important to me. It is a trip that will help me face my fears.

Oh yeah, there are more things that I will be facing while there. I know, I am scared of a lot of things.

I WILL and I repeat WILL go up Le Tour Eiffel this time. Last time, I was a 15 year old drama queen scaredy cat and really could not FATHOM the magnitude of that MISSED OPPORTUNITY! Conquer #1: Fear of Heights. Check that off.

I WILL feel confident (even though I am probably a lot larger than most French women) when I walk down the street in my cute little sundresses. Conquer #2 Fear of People Pointing and Laughing. (Sounds dumb right....but there are soooo many reasons that I am the way I am) Check that off.

The other is not really a fear, but a feat of parenthood. I WILL be a free, single woman. I will continue to love my wonderful son with all of my heart and I will still be his mom. I will be on the other side of a rather large ocean, living out PART of my dreams, but I will still be with him. I really want him to know that you CAN do anything that you want, you just have to make a plan, and try your hardest to follow, even in discouraging times. So yeah, maybe there is a fear, or at least an anxiety that feeds that. Conquer #3 Fear that my son will not follow his dreams because they get "too hard". I am hoping that this trip I am taking teaches him more about what he can do too.

Big Big Experience.